curse all you want

Don’t hold that rage in, son. Let it out. For goodness sake, let. It. Out.

Have you ever wanted to just yell at someone, but you couldn’t? Anti-social as it might be, sometimes the only thing that will satisfy that desire is to let loose. To open your pie-hole and just unload a torrent of abuse. If there were only a place that would let you get that aggression out.

Oh, wait. There is. There’s a hotline that offers this very service. You can call it and scream to your heart’s content. You can say all the words that you’ve never had the nerve to say aloud. You can say pretty much anything you want.

There’s one catch, though. It’s in German. Not that I think it matters. If you really wanted to spend the money to make the call, I think you’re free to use whatever tongue you so please. So, what is this brilliant website? Where can you go to scream bloody murder. Here it is:

Schimpf los has been specially created for someone of your ilk. The hot-headed sort who needs to blow off some steam, but doesn’t want to lose your job. Or offend your partner.

Or maybe you’ve already yelled at everyone in your daily life, and you just need someone new. A new target for your ire. My thoughts immediately went to: ‘What sort of person would sign up to work for such a hotline? It’s enough to work at a mind-numbing, soul-crushing company, but do you really want to add being verbally assaulted to your list of daily concerns? Really? Do you?

I suppose if you knew it wasn’t personal, and that the person doesn’t know you…well, I suppose that might make the whole situation tolerable. I guess so.

However, one of the nice things about my life is that I have plenty of people I can holler at for free. Well, nearly for free. If you yell at a person in public in Germany, you can receive an Strafanzeige, which is an official police citation. You’re charged for having committed a Beleidigung, which is an insult. If you insult someone and there are witnesses, you’re going to pay a fine.

Or if you’re honest when the police come and ask you whether you said the thing you’ve been accused of, and it’s part of your civic responsibility to be as honest as you can, you’re obligated to be as truthful as you can. Do all Germans tell the truth at all times? I’m not even going to dignify that with a response.

But if you want to be safe…to scream and holler and hurl insults at a stranger on the other end of the telephone line? Well Schimpf los, my friend. There’s no time like the present.


  1. It’s kind of difficult to put into words how much I love every part of this.

    It’s very hard to ask Google to translate “Schimpf los” because posts about this keep coming up. Stop confusing Google, cussing hotline. (Don’t worry. I persevered. I know what it means now.)

    I get cussed at on the phone at my part-time job a lot, but it’s not part of the job. I think I’d be very good at this. I already have the training! (Wait, I’m not allowed to yell back, am I? I take it back. I’d be terrible at this.)

    Although the Schimpf Los part of this is very interesting, I’m kind of more fascinated by the fact you can get a police citation for insulting someone. And it’s your civic duty to be honest. Really? These are real German things? I kind of love Germany. I like that you’re not allowed to be angry in public. (Do people really get these tickets?)

    1. If you’re looking forward to not seeing Germans angry in public, then I think you’ll find the trip disappointing. German drivers go simian-shit over just about everything. I think their yelling is the main reason that german engineering focuses so much on soundproofing vehicles. If, however, you enjoy a good avante-garde mime show, then a trip down the autobahn is heartily recommended, particularly during rush hour stau’s.

    2. The human race really has reached a new level when this was created.

      A friend wrote a comment on an unmentionable social media site in which she said, ‘try dynamic meditation, there’s a cathartic phase where you let off any steam that needs letting out…in a room full of people doing the same thing: zoo time! Very refreshing…’

      I don’t want to contradict her comment, but I can’t imagine dynamic meditation can quite compare to the release one gets when exploding with a improperly hollered F&*k!

      If it is indeed possible, I shall try to dynamise my meditating.

  2. According to Mark Twain, swearing is an art form. I know it is a great stress reliever. I think the reason I have an ulcer free life is directly related to the proper amount of swearing done by me during the course of a day.

  3. Callers are always mean to call centre people. I’d list all the times I saw co-worker running out of the room in tears but it’s quicker to say it happens a lot.
    I never let it get to me AND I always thought that people should get to release all the anger, it’s better than carrying it around with you.
    I wonder if you get paid well for it? I mean, it’s obviously not a job most people would like. If only I spoke German…wait, would I need to speak German to have people be abusive to me??

    1. I think you could do a passable job with or without German skills. You could likely learna few stock phrases to get the angry callers in the right frame of mind. After that, it seems like you could just sit back and enjoy it.

  4. I once had a p[person who worked for Australia’s biggest telco on the complaints line tell me ” I’m not paid to listen to such abuse” I assured her that she was.

    1. You’re certainly a joy for any call centre employee. There are probably operators strewn across Australia who have horror stories about angry, ranting calls from Robert Godden.

      1. There are indeed. And with Australian telcos and banks all outsourcing their call centres, there are also quivering wrecks at the mere mention of my name from Manilla to Mumbai

  5. I was told that venting anger is just practicing anger, and the more you do it the more you will continue to experience it. Part of me suspects that person who told me this was either afraid of my anger or just sick of it. I think if I were to let loose of my rage, I could never lock it down again; I would become she-Hulk. Slamming cupboard doors is as far as I go.

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