Last year we were supposed to have a Rapture, and then when it didn’t happen the way it was predicted, we were told it’d been postponed. Later in the year, we were supposed to finally get our Rapture. But no such luck.
And this year? They’re predicting some big things in disaster this year. What with the solar flares and the polar shift…all the survivalists who’ve knowingly smirked at our unpreparedness can finally gloat about the skills they’ve honed.
So I’ve been pondering what my skills are. What useful things can I do in the event of a natural disaster? Everything on the internet will be saved though, right? I want there to be a record of what I have to offer in case we’re returned to the Stone Age. You never know, eh?
- recite the first 20 or 30 lines of the Canterbury Tales in Late Middle English (my specialty is to do it in a Ross Perot voice)
- pour a beer with very little (if any) foam; can also froth milk quite well
- speak a smattering of Japanese (I know the basic travel phrases and a few adages that almost always make Japanese people laugh when I say them)
- change a tyre in the dark (think I’m better at it in the dark than in the daylight)
- play major and minor scales (both harmonic and melodic) on a wide variety of musical instruments
- manoeuvre my way through almost any public transport system, whether I know the language or not
- make a decent omelette
- train a dog (but only for gentle companionship)
- proofread a text (with varying results)
- brew a proper pot of tea
- scream at the Italians playing football (diving as if fouled when there’s no opposing player within a few metres)
- ask unrelated (and potentially annoying) questions
- walk long distances often without any discernible goal
That’s not much, is it? I really need to work on my survival skills. This is a bit worrying.